Connected

Since I only have one baby, I don't know if all babies do this... but Maddi locks eyes with me a lot of the times when I nurse her. It is definitely a great reminder for me to be present in the moment. She has definitely been a great teacher for me, I am learning just as much from her as she is from me. These nursing times are also such bonding opportunities that only her and I share - so special.

The breast is definitely one of Maddi's top happy places, being there calms her so well. It is where she is most content. And frankly, having her on my breast is also one of my top happy places.

Today was the first week for parent/baby drop-in at Commercial & Broadway since the holiday break. We didn't see Bryn & Baby Jonah or Elina & Baby Jacob today; they're still on their respective holiday trips. It was great to see I-Wen and Baby Isaac though, as well as the other moms and babes that we've seen from last year.

Update on Maddi's sleep schedule - the other night might have been just an off night for her, because last night she slept seven hours straight!

Milk And Cookies For Santa

As promised to my mom... today, Maddi and I paid a visit to the Catholic church near our house. I went to church for my mom, but I gained more than I expected from that visit. I have not been a church person for many years, but it was nice to find such peace in the midst of the busy-ness that the holiday season brings. The church might get a few visits from me next year. =)

I ended up staying longer than I expected, counting all my blessings, being grateful and laying the next year with all the wonderful possibilities it brings before God, asking him to bless our new family and those we love... and yes, I prayed for world peace.

We did some very last minute Christmas shopping, then we went to Julie's place for Christmas eve snacks and a turkey dinner. After dinner, we transferred to our place and this is Maddi just before bedtime. I had this shot in my head for over a week now, and knew I wanted it for my Christmas eve post. Maddi obliged, for a few minutes... and mama is very thankful to be able to have this shot.

Serendipity

Today, I got a visit from Sue and baby Ethan for a few hours. After they left, I walked to Urban Fare to pick something up. On my way there, I felt compelled to walk into saf & benjamin, the new-ish baby store that opened up. Sommer, the wonderful woman that owns it happens to be tending the store. I don't even remember how the conversation started, but somehow we got talking about me wanting to start my photography business while I'm on maternity leave. She didn't cheap out on the support, encouragement and resource/advice for me to go for it... and even welcomed me to stop in anytime to say hello or if I had any questions.

Yesterday, I met with Ashleigh Wells, today I have this encounter with Sommer. I am super impressed with how these women are so generous and how willing they are to encourage and help another woman who is venturing to start her own business. They're not the only ones, either and it's not just women. I've been very blessed to meet a few good people that have blown me away with just how willing they are to help.

After the slew of replays on the media of Steve Job's speeches, plus this serendipitous connection today... I was compelled to do something. So, I went online and submitted a name approval request. When I get the approval in a few days, I'll register the business and get a GST/HST number. I realize I don't need to register until I'm making $30K a year, but registering just makes it more real in my head. It makes everything more professional, more legitimate and therefore requires more commitment on my part - no more one foot out. As my brother said, I need to go all out and give it my best shot.

I'm excited, and I'm so proud of myself for acting while inspired to be courageous and follow my heart... when it's so easy to simply wish and hope.

Visiting The Alma Mater

Today, I drove out to SFU to meet Ashleigh, a photographer friend that I met at Image Explorations last Summer. Since I was up there, I paid a visit to old colleagues at the student society. Nancy & Lawrence, it was really great to see you and catch up a little, but it's a shame that you had been locked out since July 10! I sure hope resolution is around the corner, I can't imagine it to be a good thing not having income for such a long time!

The photo is of the main campus' Convocation Mall, all dressed for convocation ceremonies happening tomorrow and Friday. This place definitely brought back memories for me... I can't believe it's been 10 years since I last was up there on a daily basis.

On the topic of graduations (and hopefully inspirational as opposed to boring speeches), it is a sad day today as the news report that a legend, a visionary, a trailblazer, an inspiration had lost his battle with pancreatic cancer and passed away. RIP Steve Jobs. Thank you for living such an inspirational life and for your words of wisdom.

Below are my favourite quotes by him, all were bits from his Stanford commencement speech in 2005:

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”

“Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.”

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

RIP In Fishy Heaven, Bubba

Just as I was hoping to be less emotional, I started my day with the intention to clean Bubba's bowl and then feed him when I discovered him floating on his side, dead. I've had him for 2 years and a couple of months... didn't realize how attached I got. Or maybe, it's the pregnancy hormones again - it seems to be getting the blame a lot these days.

I recently reconnected with my friend Amie on Facebook after losing touch for a little while. She came to go for tea with me, so I left Bubba in a small container of water. It was great catching up with Amie, can't believe it's been four years since I last saw her.

When I got back from tea with Amie, I figured I need to do something about Bubba. I thought about flushing him down the toilet... but then thought that I'd rather bury him in my mini rose bush, and perhaps he'd make good fertilizer. So that's where he is, with the pebbles from his bowl scattered on the dirt covering him.

When I first discovered Bubba dead, I thought, "What good timing... Like I needed another thing to throw me right back into being emotional!" But on the other hand, I also thought, "It is pretty good timing, it's sort of like a sign... one life ends and another begins - it's the cycle of life. I needed to make more room in my life for Maddi."

I'm 38 weeks pregnant today. Starting tomorrow, I begin taking care of business at home to prepare for Maddi's arrival.

RIP in fishy heaven, Bubba... you will be missed =(

Vintage Finds

A dollar fifty for a pack of 3 vintage designed glass magnets at Michaels... I couldn't resist! I bought 3 packs and these are ones that have messages on them.

Wise words I must say. This is my last week at work. Starting next week, until baby comes... is for me to take time for myself - relax, rest, nest. When Maddi comes, I'm sure the transition will give me lots of opportunities to look at myself closely and reflect. Lastly, the time during my maternity leave is an awesome chance for me to unlock some of my dreams and explore my purpose and passion.

I was in an Alice In Wonderland kind of mood when editing this photo...

Quest For Happiness

I really hate how depressed I've been feeling lately. Especially because I am truly excited about Maddi's arrival, yet somehow this depression is over-shadowing my excitement. Damn pregnancy hormones! I was determined to get out of this emotional rut, so was consciously (and unconsciously) working hard to overcome it. In my quest for happiness... the universe came back with three answers.

First Answer:

Yesterday, I ended my day with a Skype chat. I was telling a friend how I don't understand why I feel so depressed about leaving work. If I want my job, it'll be there for me when my maternity leave ends. If I don't go back to work, it's because I have a better alternative. So why am I so upset about leaving?! Thinking things through logically usually puts things into perspective when I'm being emotional, so this definitely helped.


Second Answer:

Today, I stumbled upon a picture on Facebook that a friend had shared a link to. There was a write-up on what the picture was about. It was a mother who used her body as a shield to protect her 3-month-old baby from their collapsing house during the big earthquake in Japan not too long ago. Her body was crushed and therefore died, but her baby was miraculously alive. There was a cell phone in the baby's basket that had a text saying "If you can survive, you must remember that I love you."

I don't know if these stories that circulate online are real... but nevertheless, this one had a message for me. It put into perspective my grieving for leaving the work life in just a little over a week. It tells me that I will love Maddi so much, I would be more than okay to give up the life I've always known to embrace my new life with her in it.


Third Answer:

As I was leaving work today, I packed up some of my personal items to take home. And among those was my Soul Coaching Oracle card deck. When I got home, I pulled a card out of the deck. I got "Gratitude" - it reminded me that gratitude is the secret to a joy-filled life. If I find what's good and wonderful in every moment, I can experience happiness and peace.

So, whenever I have the urge to feel sad, I can just look down at my belly and be reminded that I can't wait to meet and snuggle with my precious baby girl.

Get Paid For Results, Not Time

Tonight, I met up with a couple of friends from high school that I haven't seen in a while. We went for dinner, then I quickly took a picture just before they got in their car. Unfortunately, it was dark out and I was lazy to check and make sure I got a good picture. The photo turned out to be a dud, so I ended up taking a photo of the card I pulled tonight from the Secrets of the Millionaire Mind set. Sorry, guys!

This card speaks to me. I am that person that lives in fear and needs the guarantees. It has served me to not make foolish decisions. However, it does make me feel stuck. I can only grow as much as how far my fears would allow me to go. Here is one more nudge to take the plunge. Eeek!

Chasing Dreams

This is a vision board I made with a group of friends last November. A couple of the things on the board have already come true for me! I am just weeks away from meeting my little girl, I've taken this year to explore my creativity by starting an artist group with a few of my friends and getting a membership at the art gallery; I've also taken this year to search my heart, mind and soul by keeping up with this blog and openly sharing; and I've cultivated my smart parts by going back to school. Although I've added fuel to my passion for photography by going to the Image Explorations workshop this summer; now, I feel that the time has come for photography to take center stage in my focus.

My brother, who grew up being generally shy and quiet... has unexpectedly become one of the most inspiring people in my life. I love talking to him about dreams and going after them... he is one of the most driven, disciplined and ambitious people I know. I think he and my dad share more similarities than they both want to admit. =)

Tonight, I had a chat with my brother on Facebook. I told him I really need to use the time during my upcoming maternity leave wisely. It is my opportunity to figure out what I want to do with my career - whether I move forward with a secure future in accounting, or venture into the world of entrepreneurship and give my best to building a career in photography.

I have demons to slay in my head when it comes to photography - insecurities I need to get over, fears that I simply need to overcome by jumping in with both feet. I told him I've hesitated pouring financial resource into photography because I didn't want to make my family (Sean and now Maddi, too) suffer because I've misjudged photography for a worthy investment. Then even when my parents had offered to financially support my venture, I didn't want to waste their generous gift, so I was going about it really slowly. However, I now think that perhaps half-assing it is actually preventing me from making it. So maybe, I should just take their generous gift and give it my best shot. According to my brother's encouraging wise words, "Yes... GO, GO, GO... in a big way!"

I need to go after my dreams, if I'm going to be convincing when I tell Maddi one day that she should go after hers. For this, I am grateful to have people in my life that are willing to support me in whatever way they can so I can have the opportunity to chase after my dreams.

How did I get so lucky to have such awesome people in my family?!

A Sushi Date

On my way home, I felt a craving for some ramen. I also know that hubby has been craving sushi. In light of my post from a few days ago - realizing that it would be wise to cherish these last few weeks of being just the two of us, I called Sean on the drive home from work and asked him out on a sushi date.

We walked to the Japanese restaurant across from our place. Although a bit disappointed that they don't have ramen, they did have udon. We ended up with a feast. First, we ordered a 42-piece sushi platter and vegetable udon soup. When Sean realized that there was no sashimi in the platter we ordered, we ended up getting a 6-piece sashimi combo since that's what he's been craving for a while now. Can't believe my hubby who wouldn't eat sushi just over a year ago, now craves sashimi!

It was waaaay too much food, but we managed to finish everything... then we both rolled our way home. My belly was rock hard and it's not all baby; 3 hours later, I'm still full! And Sean, he was the piggy that burped all the way home!

Thanks for being my date tonight, baby!

Just The Two Of Us

Seems like it's been a while since the last time hubby and I went for a walk. Tonight, we decided to go on one. I enjoy these walks... just the two of us.

With just six weeks before Maddi's expected arrival, there are a few different emotions running through me. Of course I'm excited to welcome Maddi to the family, and look forward to the joy that she will bring us; although to be honest, I have no idea what it will be like. However, I'm a little scared to leave what I know, and a little sad about forever losing life, as I know it - just Sean and I.

I think the message from the universe tonight is to take the next six weeks to really cherish these "just the two of us" times - go on dates, spend quality time with each other and go on these walks.

Almost

It feels like I haven't been outside for a while. Other than the trip to the Okanagan and the camping trip, most of my daily photos have been of just stuff around the house. Before I get even lazier with my daily blog, I thought to invite hubby for a walk tonight since it was nice out.

After dinner, we took our cupcake desserts to the park near our house for a mini date. Hubby's just recovering from being sick, so he didn't want to be out for very long and we are both also feeling pretty tired. I keep looking around and asking for what the universe's message is for me today... I want to take my picture outdoors today!

On our way home, I saw this bush with yellow buds and the more familiar white cottony balls that I would blow on. I did not realize those cottony balls transformed from yellow flowers! Neat - you learn something new everyday! So, I took a picture of it.

Further, it also made me think of Maddi. Not to compare my baby to a weed, but I thought it was a neat message from the universe to view her as a small bud that soon will blossom into a thousand wishes! Babies symbolize such a great start, a blank page, a future with infinite possibilities!

p.s. I shared my thoughts with Sean and he said, "So sucky." I said, "What did you say?" He replied, "So sappy." LOL =P

Wild

Today, I went out with my arty ladies for a photo walk artist date. For some reason, these berries caught my eye. It's not the first time I've seen them, but perhaps this time... because I've gone through so much change in my own body from being pregnant, I am just a bit more aware.

These plants, often not catching most of our attention, quietly go about their natural business... flowering, then transforming the flowers into fruits. Seems simple and insignificant... they are small, and often inconspicuous... yet I can't help but imagine how much "science" and/or "miracles" happen in that little and insignificant bit of nature.

Considering that... I think to myself, "Wild!"

A Rose For Norway

The other day, I read a blog post by a friend who shared about how she felt a bit detached after she heard the news about the horrific explosion and shooting in Norway. She was concerned that perhaps the amount of bad news we hear has somehow made her lose her compassion for fellow humans.

I must say, I am guilty of that, too. I am guilty of being too busy and consumed with my own life... as well as being desensitized to bad news because we hear so much of it. I knew something happened in Norway, but I was too busy to even find out about what exactly happened, until tonight.

And it seems true for me, that when I hear about so much tragedy... perhaps I get numbed, but I am not as emotionally available to feel compassion for those that are suffering.

However tonight, I dedicate my photo for the day to urge people to stop and pause from their busy lives and send love, light, support, positive thoughts and energies to those that are suffering in Norway - for those that died innocently, and especially those that lost people they love.

Search My Soul

 

"The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out."
Proverbs 20:5

There was a time in my life when I went to church and read the bible. The above passage was one of my favourites.

It was 2.30am last I checked the time before falling asleep last night. What was keeping me up?

Earlier last night, I saw someone who I have hardly been in touch with the last ten years come online. I got a little excited and said hi to initiate an instant message chat. To cut a long story short, I was unexpectedly made aware of how much a decision I made ten years ago to leave the church that I was a part of then had affected someone that I was friends with at the time. Frankly, albeit not having had much of a relationship in the last ten years, I thought that we were at least still friends nonetheless.

She was in the teen ministry, which I had the pleasure of working in, at the time. It wasn't so much my decision to leave the church that she was upset about, I think... but that I walked out of hers and the other teens' lives with that decision. I honestly didn't think that that decision had affected her that much, if at all. On one hand, it is encouraging to know that I did have an impact on those kids back then. However, it was heartbreaking to know that although I made a decision that I still believe was good for me, it had to hurt other people. No, I don't think that leaving an organization means you necessarily leave the people you cared about in it... so why did I "walk out" of the teens' lives? This happened a long time ago, so I had to do some thinking and work through some fuzzy memories.

I tossed and turned last night and pondered on why I didn't keep in touch with most of the teens, when I have kept in touch with quite a few of my other friends from church. Finally, it came to me. When I decided to leave the church, my faith was in shambles. First off, I wasn't in the position to be there for someone else; secondly, I wasn't sure if the parents (and the rest of the church) would want their kids having a close relationship with someone who has left the church, when they are desperately hoping that their kids make the decision to become Christians. That's why I kept my distance... not wanting to be accused of "pulling them away" from the church and what their parents wanted them to believe in.

I am sure that I would've reciprocated the effort, if they had just initiated with maintaining their friendship with me... but most of them didn't. So I felt that it was a bit unfair that she would blame me entirely. Then again, she was thirteen years old at the time... can I really judge her the same way I would an adult?

I felt terrible as I was eventually let in on how she felt towards me, what she thought of me and now not wanting to have anything to do with me. To be honest, I really was ok with whether if she wanted to talk things out and patch things up or if she was done and didn't want to revisit the friendship. We both haven't had each other in our lives the past ten years... I will be ok going forward with my life without her and so will she without me.
 
Yet somehow, my heart ached a lot. I couldn't stop crying last night, and I woke up thinking about it this morning and continued to cry some more. There are some things that are making this hard for me to get over. There are things she said that bothered me.

First, she said that I seem to only pop up when I need something. Really? Is that what she thinks of me? In the seven or eight years that I was in the church and the few years that I was in her life, she really thinks that's the kind of person I am? I got a lot of help from people and friends while I was at church - rides when I didn't have a car, a couple of friends have given me money at separate occasions without me even asking for it when they knew I could really use the assistance, ears that listened, shoulders to cry on, wise advice when I needed them, etc. etc. etc. For all that, I am grateful; and I hope those that helped me know I appreciate what I have received from their generosity. I am not perfect by any means, but I know that out of gratitude, I have tried my best to give more than I got, and live as selflessly as I can. I have served and given as much as I can during my time there... I find it tough to take when someone thinks I only show up when I need something.

Secondly, she said that leaving the church is different than walking out of the lives of people you "supposedly" cared about. This stings. One of my biggest struggles about being in the church was how fake and shallow I thought many of the friendships were. I was big on being real and building real friendships. To be accused of being a fake was a big blow. I cared about those teens. I genuinely enjoyed their company and friendship. I have nothing to prove, I just hope they know that I truly did care about them and I wasn't just pretending, because it was my job to care.

This conversation last night led me to search my soul... and this is what I came away with - my conscience is clear, I have not done anything to intentionally hurt her and I have apologized for how I have unwittingly affected her with my decision to leave the church. I know I don't need her forgiveness as I know my heart was pure; but emotionally, I wished she would see my innocence and lift the accusations she's laid on me.

Perhaps it would have been easier if I got mad at her for the things she said... but I'm not mad. I don't feel any anger... just sadness and hurt for being wrongly judged, as well as imagining how hurt she must have been to get to the point where she didn't want anything to do with me. I have nothing against her, no ill thoughts of her, I still have fond memories of my times with her and my door is open if she ever changes her mind. Mostly though, I think I just felt blindsided. I was in a bit of a shock, as if I got the wind knocked out of me. It was something I completely did not see coming... and also, I think I needed to grieve the loss.

I believe this happened because there is a lesson here for me. What is it?

I can't help but think about how my decisions would affect this little girl that's still in my belly. To be honest, it is freaking me out a bit about motherhood.

In The Living Years

Today was an especially tough day for a dear friend, after receiving some unfortunate family news. And this is an especially tough post for me to write, as my heart goes out to my friend... I can't help but think that this day will come for me as well.

He had just spoken with his mother the other day to greet her Happy Mother's Day when she seemed like she was recovering quite well from a stroke she had a while back. Then this morning, he informed me that he got news she's had another stroke and has been rushed to the hospital.

It is hard to see our parents get old and get sick. I know my heart aches just seeing my mom having trouble climbing up a set of stairs because her knees are getting weak. I can't imagine what he must feel like to know his mother is in a hospital and he is halfway around the world away from her.

As I mentioned in a previous post, the Sakura is a symbol of the ephemeral nature of life to the Japanese. I believe the universe' message for me today is to always appreciate and be grateful for those that are near and dear to my heart, and to never take them for granted. Tell those you love that you love them often, give plenty of hugs, appreciate the beauty of your relationship, show them you care... in the living years. Do not delay, it may be too late one day.

Sending my dear friend all the love and light I have as he flies home to be with his mama; sending his mom all the healing energy in the world, so she may have many more days to feel how much she is loved.

Lights Out

Today was a long day at work. Long, but good and productive. When I have long days at the office, it is especially challenging to capture that day's blog photo unless I've taken the time to do so earlier during the day. Otherwise, by the end of the work day, I'm just so tired and all I want is to go home and relax in my refuge.

By 9.30pm, right after a squabble with the hubby over an insensitive comment he made on my whine that I don't have a picture for the blog yet... I ventured out to hunt for my picture of the day.

It's amazing that this being Yaletown, the hip area for the trendy and the young... there's hardly anything happening around here. Other than a few restaurants being open, most things are closed. I brought my journal with me, because I like to write when I'm upset or just have some things to think about... but even the nearby Starbucks was closed!

On the way home, I took this photo of the marina. I think the title and the photo are appropriate for the mood of the hour - time to snooze and get some rest! Tomorrow, there will be lots of time to pick up where we left off with our argument earlier tonight. Or better yet, we'd hopefully be in a better place from where we were, after having had some time away from it.

To all - I wish you a good night and may you dream sweet, sweet dreams!

The World Is Your Oyster

Driving home from the office today... this statue, which I see every day that I drive to and from the office, caught my attention. The universe had a message for me. It had something it wanted me to think about, something it wanted to remind me.

You see yesterday, more specifically at 6:46pm on April 27 Manila time, I became an aunt for the fourth time!

My nephew was actually due over a week ago, but I guess he was too cozy in my sister's belly and just wanted to stay there. I've even suggested that they write him an eviction notice. If they did, it didn't help. He wasn't going anywhere.

The doctor eventually started inducing my sister to labour; but after nine hours, he still wouldn't budge. Finally, the doctor performed a C-Section on my sister to get him out.

Sometimes, it does feel like it would be better to be back in mother's womb... and not have to deal with the misfortunes of life. However, we would also miss out on all the blessings and wonderful experiences that life has to offer.

In contemplating life, I think that it really is a neutral element, although sometimes it hardly feels neutral at all. It is how we perceive life and the decisions we make in reaction to what life brings that determine whether we view life as sweet or hard. Life - we ultimately have the power to make it whatever we want it to be!

Welcome to the world, baby Garrett!!! The world is your oyster, enjoy everything life has to offer!

The Train Has Left The Station

Contemplating on a quote by Gilbert Keith Chesteron (1874-1936), a British journalist, novelist and poet, that goes like this... "The only way of catching a train I have ever discovered is to miss the train before."

Most of us had missed opportunities... and in my opinion, there is no use dwelling in the negative. After allowing for a short moment to grieve, the wise thing to do would be to look ahead and see what opportunities are available now, what the best course of action would be now. You might be missing yet another opportunity while lamenting over spilled milk.

Be A Kid

Have a BIG chocolate chip cookie!!!

Do adults not have big chocolate chip cookies? If so, why not? Do we feel greedy for having such a big piece? Do we feel frivolous and irresponsible? Inconsiderate of others maybe? Or perhaps we don't feel deserving? I know I have had at least one or a number of different combinations of these thoughts at one point or another that keeps me away from that big cookie...