Search My Soul

 

"The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out."
Proverbs 20:5

There was a time in my life when I went to church and read the bible. The above passage was one of my favourites.

It was 2.30am last I checked the time before falling asleep last night. What was keeping me up?

Earlier last night, I saw someone who I have hardly been in touch with the last ten years come online. I got a little excited and said hi to initiate an instant message chat. To cut a long story short, I was unexpectedly made aware of how much a decision I made ten years ago to leave the church that I was a part of then had affected someone that I was friends with at the time. Frankly, albeit not having had much of a relationship in the last ten years, I thought that we were at least still friends nonetheless.

She was in the teen ministry, which I had the pleasure of working in, at the time. It wasn't so much my decision to leave the church that she was upset about, I think... but that I walked out of hers and the other teens' lives with that decision. I honestly didn't think that that decision had affected her that much, if at all. On one hand, it is encouraging to know that I did have an impact on those kids back then. However, it was heartbreaking to know that although I made a decision that I still believe was good for me, it had to hurt other people. No, I don't think that leaving an organization means you necessarily leave the people you cared about in it... so why did I "walk out" of the teens' lives? This happened a long time ago, so I had to do some thinking and work through some fuzzy memories.

I tossed and turned last night and pondered on why I didn't keep in touch with most of the teens, when I have kept in touch with quite a few of my other friends from church. Finally, it came to me. When I decided to leave the church, my faith was in shambles. First off, I wasn't in the position to be there for someone else; secondly, I wasn't sure if the parents (and the rest of the church) would want their kids having a close relationship with someone who has left the church, when they are desperately hoping that their kids make the decision to become Christians. That's why I kept my distance... not wanting to be accused of "pulling them away" from the church and what their parents wanted them to believe in.

I am sure that I would've reciprocated the effort, if they had just initiated with maintaining their friendship with me... but most of them didn't. So I felt that it was a bit unfair that she would blame me entirely. Then again, she was thirteen years old at the time... can I really judge her the same way I would an adult?

I felt terrible as I was eventually let in on how she felt towards me, what she thought of me and now not wanting to have anything to do with me. To be honest, I really was ok with whether if she wanted to talk things out and patch things up or if she was done and didn't want to revisit the friendship. We both haven't had each other in our lives the past ten years... I will be ok going forward with my life without her and so will she without me.
 
Yet somehow, my heart ached a lot. I couldn't stop crying last night, and I woke up thinking about it this morning and continued to cry some more. There are some things that are making this hard for me to get over. There are things she said that bothered me.

First, she said that I seem to only pop up when I need something. Really? Is that what she thinks of me? In the seven or eight years that I was in the church and the few years that I was in her life, she really thinks that's the kind of person I am? I got a lot of help from people and friends while I was at church - rides when I didn't have a car, a couple of friends have given me money at separate occasions without me even asking for it when they knew I could really use the assistance, ears that listened, shoulders to cry on, wise advice when I needed them, etc. etc. etc. For all that, I am grateful; and I hope those that helped me know I appreciate what I have received from their generosity. I am not perfect by any means, but I know that out of gratitude, I have tried my best to give more than I got, and live as selflessly as I can. I have served and given as much as I can during my time there... I find it tough to take when someone thinks I only show up when I need something.

Secondly, she said that leaving the church is different than walking out of the lives of people you "supposedly" cared about. This stings. One of my biggest struggles about being in the church was how fake and shallow I thought many of the friendships were. I was big on being real and building real friendships. To be accused of being a fake was a big blow. I cared about those teens. I genuinely enjoyed their company and friendship. I have nothing to prove, I just hope they know that I truly did care about them and I wasn't just pretending, because it was my job to care.

This conversation last night led me to search my soul... and this is what I came away with - my conscience is clear, I have not done anything to intentionally hurt her and I have apologized for how I have unwittingly affected her with my decision to leave the church. I know I don't need her forgiveness as I know my heart was pure; but emotionally, I wished she would see my innocence and lift the accusations she's laid on me.

Perhaps it would have been easier if I got mad at her for the things she said... but I'm not mad. I don't feel any anger... just sadness and hurt for being wrongly judged, as well as imagining how hurt she must have been to get to the point where she didn't want anything to do with me. I have nothing against her, no ill thoughts of her, I still have fond memories of my times with her and my door is open if she ever changes her mind. Mostly though, I think I just felt blindsided. I was in a bit of a shock, as if I got the wind knocked out of me. It was something I completely did not see coming... and also, I think I needed to grieve the loss.

I believe this happened because there is a lesson here for me. What is it?

I can't help but think about how my decisions would affect this little girl that's still in my belly. To be honest, it is freaking me out a bit about motherhood.